Today in Minnesota crime

This story fits every possible thing that I enjoy writing about here. Sports, crime, Minnesota... it has it all.
I'll cut to the chase. A guy was resurfacing an ice rink at an Apple Valley, Minnesota arena (not far from where I used to live, actually), and while on the Zamboni, he slammed hard into the boards, weaved erratically (I would like to see someone weave and not do so erratically)and generally did a poor job. No, he wasn't a transplant from the Florida Panthers arena crew. He was simply intoxicated.
Now, the story itself is funny. A guy drunk driving while on a Zamboni conjures up some sort of hilarious imagery, but the thing that blows my mind is that this hasn't happened before. I mean, the poor guy has to spend an entire day watching terrible little kids skate around trying to be the next Sidney Crosby, and succeeding only inasmuch as they leave the ice with a concussion after falling down a hundred times. And they don't even necessarily have to WATCH the game. They could, theoretically, spend the time in the garage with the Zamboni. If those are my two options, both would stand a good chance of being accompanied by a bottle of Captain Morgan. The question I have is how long was this guy on shift? How long had he been sitting around getting plowed at the ice arena? And also, I sincerely hope he carpooled to work. Driving while intoxicated on the ice of an arena is one thing, but driving while intoxicated on the ice of a Minnesota roadway is another entirely.

Zamboni has no comment.

Today in southern Minnesota crime

You all know I love animals. It's my go to "I forgot to post something today" post topic. Every time I go to the zoo, I try to hatch a plan to steal an animal. (I'm sure everyone tries to grab some sort of lizard or mouse that they can easily remove it from the zoo. I want a camel). Stealing an animal from the zoo is one of the things on my list of life goals.
Naturally, I was jealous when I heard about an animal being stolen from a zoo in Mankato. Of course, the surprise was the perpetrators. They were 6 and 7 years old.
These master criminals were busted while taking a contraband goat (THEY STOLE A FREAKING GOAT!) for a walk. It was 1130 at night, and it was dark and they were wearing pajamas. Sure, you might say, it's dangerous for little girls to be out that late, but my goodness, they hatched a plan earlier in the day and executed said plan in the abduction of a GOAT. From a ZOO.
I am in awe. I would like to meet these two. And also I would like to go to this zoo where the animals can be smuggled out by first graders.